Friday, January 28

All about the lines

If you've been following my writing, I did mention that my psychiatrist made new discoveries about my condition. Altogether it has been close to 12 years of eating medication and going for appointments at hospital. 

I really dislike hospitals, and I dislike being talked to by a Psychiatrist...he forgets that I'm a Psych. Major, and keeps repeating things that I already know. It's almost like PSY101 everytime I see him. Sometimes, I finish his sentences for him and he says "that's very clever!" *speechless* Once, we had this exchange:

Doc: People who have depression usually have?
Me:..dysfunctional thoughts... (arrgghhh)
Doc: and they have these dysfunctional thoughts because?
Me: ...they have depression.....(pfffffhhhtt)
Doc: You have dysfunctional thoughts because?
me: I have depression (apalah deiii!!!!)

Try replacing the words Depression with Fever and Dysfunctional thoughts with high temperature, in a clinic setting.

Doc: People who have Fever usually have?
Patient:..high temperature... 
Doc: and they have high temperature because?
Patient: ...they have Fever.....
Doc: You have high temperature because?
Patient: I have Fever 

Of course I know I have dysfunctional thoughts and Depression, it's been 12 years la...
But then again, sometimes I think that he may be saying things this way for his interns, who are in the room learning from him, in which I am supposed to pretend that all 10 of them are invisible.

But he's not all that bad. He means well and he tries his best. And these past years he says, he's been quite puzzled by my depression. Common Major Depressive Disorders usually pick up and gets back to normal with the help of medication and therapy. But my case was different. He recently attended a world conference and there was a paper presented about my "type" of depression. About 77 subjects took part in this research, which showed that a new kind of depressive disorder may be discovered. 

Basically, as the graph shows, below, Depressive Disorders generally fall into 2 main types, which are Bipolar/Mania/Manic Depression and Unipolar/Major Depression. Of course there are other types of depression; SAD, Post-Natal, etc. but I will spare you from a lecture >.< 

So, according to Doc. My graph pattern is like a Unipolar Depressive, with Bipolar. Which made me ask : "How can I be bipolar if I don't have Mania Episodes?" And he goes "that's a very clever question!" =.=
He explains that my graph is like a wave as of the Bipolar graph, but over time, I get well, to the 'normal' bar, but have recurrent episodes of depression over time.

Knowing this really helped me a lot. It helped me to know what to expect. That if I fall into depression again, its okay, and I just have to climb back up at my own pace. And just because I am at the normal bar, I shouldn't take for granted that I am 'cured', but learn to pace myself and treasure the time which I am able to function normally. I also learn to prolong the length of normal times and learn about what knocks me down and how to pick myself up.

They don't really have a name for it yet, this "uni-bipolar" thing. But knowing how I function is more than enough for me at the moment. 

So, because of this, I try not to make any 'long-term" promises. Because I would like to do certain things and may agree today to do it, but when the time comes to do it, (say, maybe next month), I may be unwell, and it will ruin other people's plans and make them disappointed. So I try to make shorter goals for myself, taking baby steps. 

For all those people who have stuck with me through all this, being understanding and patient to me, although I'm sure I've let you down countless times, THANK YOU for your love.

And most of all, to my wonderful husband, a gift from heaven, for putting up with me through all the mess, the sleepless, tearful nights, the worrying, and anxiety, I have no idea what I did to deserve you. It is not an easy task to care for me, I know. Or anyone with sickness  like me. It can be very stressful and draining. But STILL you are by my side, and I thank God for you each day!

For those of you out ther who are fighting similar battles, 
God is always near you and you are precious to Him.
We may not understand, but we can try to trust.

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