Wednesday, January 5

Reflections on 2010

I'm not really a fan of making new year resolutions. Why? I don't know, maybe because it's scary. If I make one and I can't keep it, I'll just dump it.

And it's so unpredictable what will happen, and so I am afraid to make promises, since I don't like people to go back on their words either. But I do alot of reflecting. Yah, I know, sometimes too much, but that's just how I function. Reflecting deals with facts, things that already happened...but resolutions are not YET facts...which poses a problem to me.

Maybe mini-sized resolutions are easier for me, like going for a walk this week, or going for luch with Dawn next week. Something like that.

So, Instead of making New Year's resolutions, I do reflections about the past year, and this year I'd like to count down to 10 most significant things that happened in my life. So here goes,
I learnt new things about my Depression, and came up with some sort of strategy to deal with it. I also discovered some unpleasant things about my past, that I have never dared to admit. I have accepted it, although it is still disturbing sometimes, but acknowledging that it happened has really helped me move on.

I started going back to Church. At one point it was really hard for me to go because I felt guilty that I no longer work in the SPICES (Support for Parents, Infants and Children through Early Intervention and Services) ministry. It was very tough for me. I was afraid, afraid of people, and couldn't cope when they started to come to me and ask me "How are you?". That is a bad question, at least to me. Because I can't say I'm fine, cause I'm not, but I don't think they want to hear the truth either. And I can't tell which people really want to know and who doesn't.
So what made me go back to Church?

The fact that going to Church is about GOD. Not about me being afraid of people. Although I still sneak into church service a little late and sneak off as soon as they announce the service is over, I think its a good start?

Apple (our pekingese dog) came to live with us in our flat. It was supposed to be a gift for my mom, but she couldn't keep up with all the things that had to be done to care for Apple. Plus her house is a 2-storey one, and alot more difficult to clean, especially with fur balls floating around.

So, Apple has brought alot of laughter to our small little home. In a way, she provided me with some sort of routine, because she needed to be combed everyday and she loves to play. At first I found her to be sort of an intrusion into my personal space because I was getting more and more used to being alone (with the exception of Shan Chung). But I think she helped me accept the presence of others easier now.

With alot of encouragement from Shan Chung, I finally registered my blogshop, Newsong as an official handmade crafts business. For now at least, it gives me a sort of routine and stability or purpose while I try to get well enough to work outside again. It's sort of my little project.
I actually have schedules to follow and deadlines to meet, so I guess it's a kind of progress for me.
Here, I would like to take the opportunity to say that my heart is still very much at SPICES. Its always on my mind, and I hope all this routines and structure will lead me back to working with people with learning differences.

It's been at least a year or two since I could accept anyone's presence in our home (of course with exception to my parents). It feels like intrusion and sort of makes me nervous and threatened, and I would have a meltdown. But this year, I had a few good friends into our home, just to chat for a short while, and this Christmas my in-laws all came to our house for dinner!!! I must admit that I was a little nervous really, but it turned out fine.

I learned about my past mistakes in overlooking what I already had in my 'hands'. Things that were precious. I didn't spend the time and attention to cultivate those precious things I had. Instead I was always trying to hang on to people who don't even care, thinking about the things that could be. All this at the expense of losing all the good things that I already had. SO, I decided that I'm not going to repeat this mistake again. I shall treasure every little good thing that God has put in my hands, like my husband, my crafts, my true friends, family, etc.

It has always been difficult for me to accept my craft-making as service to GOD. Since I had once served in a ministry, I felt that crafting...what kind of benefit could it offer to society? It is not helping anyone, as opposed to my previous job. And while I was working back then, I did not understand why others who are working in the corporate world would not just leave their work and serve full-time since the need is so great. How arrogant of me! During the past year, I have been humbled to accept that whatever God puts in your hands at anytime, use it and do it with all your heart, and that in itself is a service to God. Does He only use those who are in the front-line? I think God doesn't think in a box like that do you? It was me and my pride that made me feel self worth. Now, I just have to be contented with what He has given me at this time...Newsong.

There was a point when I thought that since I wasn't working in SPICES anymore, I have been forgotten. I wasn't on the prayer list anymore, and the first time I saw my name excluded, I actually cried and had to go home in the middle of church service when they were doing communal prayer. Since then, it was hard for me to still believe that people cared about me, I almost felt 'erased' the moment I stopped working in SPICES. But through the past year, God has encouraged me through a few people whom I never even knew cared about me. I found love in their sincere concerns and care. They were the ones who never asked me "How are you?" but just held my hand when they saw me, and prayed for me at home.

My medication cost increased because of two reasons, one being that the Doctor added a new type of medication for my treatment, and the other being that certain medicines were no longer subsidized by the hospital. This was a great cause of worry to us, since Shan Chung was the only one working and receiving steady income. However, God never failed to provide. We do not know who those people were who had a burden to help us with little gifts now and then. They have remained anonymous. But we are really thankful to these people who have given us the support we needed.

Finally, unexpectedly, in the past year I have discovered new friends with whom I can share my journey with. Friends who understand the struggles SC and I face. Friends who will walk the journey with us. I never thought anyone would want to be friends with such a 'messed up ' and 'complicated' person like me... but there are Angels that God sends along our path, though it may be filled with potholes here and there, now and again.

If you have read through this far, thanks for reading my really loooooong post!

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