Monday, June 20
Where are you going?
Hello Monday =.=
I haven't been very well recently. Too many issues in my head and its confusing and keeping me down and feeling upset. I hope all is well with you however.
I've been doing alot of thinking recently. And for some reason, I remembered a compilation of short stories and writings by Joyce Carol Oates and other contemporary women writers. Do you read her books? I used to read alot of her writings.
Anyway, the book that I remembered was entitled "Where have you been, Where are you going?" That's a tittle of one of her stories in her book, of a tragic tale of a teenager's downfall. However, that wasn't the story that captured my attention. It was the title, "Where have you been , Where are you going?". I remember reading somewhere in the preface saying that instead of asking "how are you" To really know a person, you only need these two questions. I thought that it was a brilliant question.
It made me think of myself. "Where have I been?" in my life so far... and "Where am I going?" from this moment in time. I think it was a very good question for me to reflect on, at this "crossroad" of my life. I don't really have all the answers. At the moment, I can only tell you where I've been.
Where I've Been. I'm not totally proud of where I've been. Sometimes I still relate to Pink!'s song "Perfect", especially the line "so much hatred, such a tired game". It is a tired game. And all these years, trying to fit in only to be rejected, has really worn me thin. Sometimes I wonder. If I really am a square peg, just stop trying to force me into a round hole already! It's enough that you think so many things are wrong with me, but you make it even more painful when you imply that I have to change who I am to be a 'person'.
I've done things I'm not very proud of, I've let people I loved most down.
I have also been to a firing squad...standing there in front of all the gunmen, but they keep missing and shoot me at all the other places that won't kill me. I've been misunderstood, used, lost, and abandoned.
"But, look I'm still here"~P!NK
I've also been rescued, convinced to believe again, loved, and understood by a few close precious friends.
"Where am I going?"
These recent years have been very difficult for me. And this Question still begs to be answered. Many people have so many different opinions about where I should be going. Sometimes, I feel the pressures of people expecting and hoping for me to go back and continue doing whatever they think I'm good at. But what if I'm not ready? What if I'm supposed to go back, but I don't want to? Which is why I've come to the conclusion that right now...I have no CLUE whatsoever of where I am going. And it sucks.
Sorry for a really upsetting post. But I promised I'd be 'real' and share with you my ups and downs. So here it is. How about you? "Where have you been, Where are you going?"