I think i'll never really know why our paths crossed and why I made you react the way you did to me. Perhaps it was just you or just me. We will never know and somehow, now it seems a lot less important now, but I feel that I just need to get this off my chest.
I learnt many things from you; tears, physical and emotional wounds and injuries, I learnt the meanings of being rejected, worthless, and used. I learnt that I might have been the only one so meticulous about meanings. As words cannot exist without meanings, but meanings can exist on its own, with or without words.I believed. But along with those I allowed myself to loose precious things from me too, things that I am slowly and very resolutely reclaiming.
I allowed myself to feel that I had to be someone else to be loved, to believe that I am and will never be good enough. I allowed you to change my view of the world, that it is all lies, and that nothing is real or true and good. I allowed you to make me believed that a big part of me had disappeared and died. I allowed myself to believe that people couldn't love me anymore because I've lost that "once" beautiful part of me.
I allowed myself or even tried so hard to meet up to your standards (which now by the way I think is shallow and nonsensical), that I never 'changed' to be the way you wanted me to be, to conform. I stupidly believed you that there were so many things wrong with me. And I stupidly tried so hard to get some crumb of approval. To allow you to judge me and be silly enough to try to come up with some sort of explanation for being the person I am.
I specifically remember a time when a car-ful of crazy guys started harrassing me while we were walking along the road, and i was imediately abandoned by all of you as you paced quicker and quicker away from me. And the greatest loss to myself is that I spent so much tears, sweat, and emotional energy on trying to please you when the real friend I had was right by me all the time. And my mistake? Spending the time on you rather than enjoying my friendship with her.
To this day, I know that your views of me have not changed, but I want you to know that you should stop asking me to change so that you can accept me into your 'circle'. You can stop waiting for me to be good enough. Because I am not who you want me to be, so you're just gonna make do and maybe put up an ad in the classifieds section. =p
I learnt that what all of you said was true, that people change. One moment you're a friend, the other moment when your house falls apart, they haven't even heard of you. But that statement will only holds true on yourselves, and it is lame to ever use it as an excuse to "end the conversation".
Because the evidence on hand is that my REAL friends have not changed in the most essential ways, in that they still remember who I am inside. You sometimes still complain that I haven't changed,...but i think somethings don't have to change, some things are good and pure and should remain that way. In a way, I am happy that those parts of me haven't changed, but sad at the same time, that parts i wish hadn't changed are lost..at least for the moment.
I learnt that not everyone does to you what they would others do to them. I learnt that even when you were my 'family', truly, and in Him. The littlest grain of jealousy and scheming could make everything fall apart. And that sometimes people can be so selfish to destroy a very precious thing just for a personal gain, and still think that what was lost can be rebuilt. But sometimes, it can't and when the scars are too deep, you might still be able to say hi and bye, but nothing more because we both know it went too deep.
My heart longs to reconcile. I forgive, but I cannot forget. But I remember in a different way, without so much pain and hatred but more of regret that maybe if I had made better decisions, things would have turned out differently. Also wondering what it was that made all 12 of you hate me so much to have to hold a meeting to question me. I am sorry if you had not felt my love that I have been pouring out to all of you. And to you and you whose bonds were broken too deep to be repaired, I await the day when there will be no strife amongst us. But for the moment I want each and every one of you 12 ppl to know that I have always loved you, and I still do. I just don't know how to show it anymore. Perhaps in time i will remember how.
I allowed you to make me silent and submit to your arbitrary 'rules' according to your fancies. I saw how it could be done, sneaking around and changing standards according to one's conveniences. I learnt that whatever we do, people are watching. And they will see for themselves when your actions intentionally do not match your verbal standards. And I learnt that we are all responsible. And if we pretend to be too many different peoples to all the different audiences, we forget who we are.
I allowed you to forgo the chances I would forever wish I had never lost. And a Goldfish is not a Dog, and a Dog is not a Goldfish. Although I experienced pain anger and tears when I was there, I learnt to love you, i hope you felt it. And deep down inside you I know you are a very beautiful person. I may not understand your actions and words that sometimes come off as cold. I just want you to know that you'll be fine just being yourself.
You taught me that doing the right thing wasn't easy. Requesting for the right thing would not work too, but Speaking up and saying that things are not right would make you a majority of one. I learnt that once I did that, I immediately lost more than half the people around me.
I realised how easy it is to agree about what is good or bad. But standing up and speaking up to the majority that what they are doing is wrong is social suicide. If there was a list, I was immediately excluded and 'crossed out'. And from then on, seen as "them". And considering how it happened, I understand how much it hurts to be referred to as "social-service/social work".
I knew it was hurtful and wrong and at that time, but now, years after that incident, I wonder if people see me as "social-work" too. And I wonder if there would be someone who would stand up for me too. But time passes and I know and hope you have all been better people.
So to the people who feel sorry that I haven't changed to be better enough for you, thank you for your good intentions, and patience. But do not waste anymore precious time waiting on me to conform, because I stand out like a sore thumb among you, and its okay,.. because i'm just a sore thumb only when I'm around you.
But MOST OF all,
Thank you, for teaching me that meanings will never change
for making me unafraid of being so alone
(physically and emotionally)
for making me brave to be a square in a round world
for helping me learn to be tougher emotionally
for making me tough in the streets
for knowing what to expect when I stand up for what is right,
and for being unashamed of it, or being afraid of the solitude that comes with it
for knowing how it feels like to be discriminated
for teaching me how to dust it off and stand up again
for teaching me to be quiet
for unintentionally making me stronger, faster, and more efficient and resourceful
For creating this dark canopy over me that all my true friends
lit up brightest even more in the darkness that was around me
For making me realize that TRUE friends do exist
and that my true friends have always
remembered who I was, and believe that I can find my way back there again.
for seeing me through to the core
and loving me still as i am.