Even after starting my own handmade business, I still wonder most times whether its the RIGHT thing to do. Whether its RIGHT that I am not at my previous job, in the helping profession like I always wanted. I always wonder about going back to teaching children with Special Needs and also doing Training to help educators understand these children better. But I find myself at a lost. Part of me has no inner strength to go back. And
I constantly struggle about what God thinks of what I am currently doing. Does He approve? Although what I am doing doesn't seem to make any contribution to society?
I still don't know the answer about whether I will be able to return to my previous job. I also don't know if I will keep continuing my work with Newsong Handmade Goods. But there have been recent developments.
Awhile ago in September, I started working with Beii, who founded The Handmade Movement. You can read about it HERE. I have since learnt a lot and seen things in a completely different perspective. Since my relapse, I've never been good in situations that require too much pressure, like having to be in social situations etc. It suffocates me. So the new job provided quite a comfortable start for me to gain some regular income. It required me to be at a bazaar once every 2 months. And at other times I was to blog about THM and manage correspondence.
I think it helped me in slowly drawing me out of the house. Yes, our house/flat is literally my safe zone. Once out of it, I felt horribly unsafe. But this was a year ago. I've been better lately, going out on dates with my husband almost every weekend =) I hope this will slowly help me to be okay and to function normally without having to be afraid of going out so much.
So since I joined the THM team, Beii and I started a new sub-event called the Craft Date. Its pretty much like a party where all the guests are coming together to make crafts together. My involvement in this definitely forced me out of the house, since I had to go scouting for materials. And it also gave me some sort of short term goal and purpose for each day preparing for the event.
It's been approximately 3 months since, and I knew that if I wanted to do a good job at THM, that I would have to make some serious decisions about my Newsong shop. I'm just not that good with managing so many things at one go anymore and it will definitely cause me a lot of stress.
So after long discussions with Shan Chung, I decided that THM would be my main priority for now. As for Newsong Handmade Goods, I will still sell my handmades and crafts, but not as a main source of income. So it will be more relaxed, making things when I have inspiration and posting them on my blog shop for sale.
So far, it feels like a weight lifted from my shoulders. Maybe owning a handmade business isn't what I thought it was. Suddenly I felt no obligation to keep making things. And the feeling of freedom and creativity and inspiration just came back naturally.
I'm taking a break from crocheting now. And finally in the middle of a patchwork project for my living room make-over. =) It's nice to sew again. Shan Chung always shakes his head in amusement. I have too many interests. But I am beyond fortunate that he accommodates my crafting craziness.
THM just re-launched last Monday and I had a lot of fun re-designing the blog prior to the relaunch. Also, this coming year, Beii and I intend to blog more actively. We even have a whole year roughly planned out already! Somehow, this motivated me to also return to blogging more actively. I know I have always found writing very therapeutic. And most of the time, what I can't speak, I write with utmost fluency.
So with this new structure in place I hope it will help me move toward wellness. I still wonder about where I am and where I should be and whether it's what He wants from me. But I think I just have to trust. Wait. And let myself go through the process of whatever He has in mind.
How about you? Have you ever been at crossroads like these?