Thursday, September 5

SO, Why Now?

In response to yesterday's post, some people have asked me why now? (YOU CAN READ IT HERE)
Why am I posting all these now when it has already happened at least 4 years ago.

Well, because sometimes I love something so much I can't bear to face my true feelings and it gets kept away deep down inside. What I did not realize was that the deeper I buried it, the more it hurt and the more it started to eat me up inside.

So why now? Because I finally have the courage to acknowledge that things were handled wrongly and that I feel angry and hurt that nothing was done. Because I want the world to know that it is important to do what you have to do no matter how unpleasant things might be. This is our part as human beings. If we can't make right the wrongs that we see and even so when we have the power to do so, we are as guilty as the oppressor.

Now back to me. As I mentioned, this open letter had a few purposes. To let my feelings out. To come to terms with them and to also let others know its not okay to do what they did...and to never do that sort of things. But most importantly it was really for me...for me to start healing, to make a stand for myself (which I always never did). The whole week of inconsolable crying really took all the hurt out of me.

So Again: Why, why now? Because sometimes, feelings that need to be forgotten need to be acknowledged. And now that I have, I feel that I am free, and I feel that a great tumor of pain has been removed from my soul.

Maybe you will hate me for my previous post, or condemn me. Or say that it wasn't so bad or tell me your excuses. It doesn't matter anymore. I have said what I had to say. The rest you will have to live with and be accountable for. 

Or say that maybe I should have made a bigger fuss of the bullying that was going on. Maybe I should have gone and made complaints and rock the boat. But at that time all that mattered to me was my service and my relationship with the children and parents. So maybe I am to blame for people's inaction (because I didn't make a big fuss about things not going the way they should). But it just isn't me...I don't do that kind of things. And I believe that is why we have elders in the church, too look out for their sheep, and to vindicate for those who are in need. 

Regardless, I am now feeling lighter.
Ready to move on. I feel disconnected from the people who did what they did.
I feel ready to move on. 

But I must also say that I acknowledge that a few people have tried to make a difference. And I thank you for that. You make me feel loved and cherished. Although you couldn't change the deep rooted 'tradition' of keeping things "hushed up". I know you tried and that you cared. I am forever grateful for you and you and you. You should also know who you are.

But my passion for the field remains. Not one single day passes without a thought or memory of the children or the fieldwork. Everything I see still connects me to what I love.  

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